4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
should my penis look like a turkey
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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