Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
