I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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