Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
