I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
