Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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