Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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