I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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