just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She bit a glass in half.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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