So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This is classic penis vs brain.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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