I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
