i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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