Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
