I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my being single is dangerous.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
