I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
