Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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