I hate your face
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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