i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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