Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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