you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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