Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think we might need a safe word for this...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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