I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
