i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
