Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the condom got lost in my hair
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
