My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
