she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
