Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
