Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
