I'm lost and stupid without you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
