I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
