I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
