So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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