the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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