I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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