I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
