Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
