last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
