Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
