Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
