i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
