I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
