So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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