We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
