It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
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