Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
