Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
