I only kidnapped one of them. chill
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
