yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
