you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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