I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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