She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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