i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
