If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
